Cross country skiers put in tons of hours of rollerskiing, running, biking, weight lifting, and so on during the summer so that they are in the best shape and strength for the winter racing season. I would even go so far as to say summer training is the meat and potatoes, the part where we actually race is the dessert.
I started this summer in my best shape yet, and I knew I could be in even better shape. This was a very good place to be! If you know me, I have had a pretty nasty couple of injuries resulting in a foot and knee surgery within the last 5 years, so running has been a perpetual challenge. However, I was making huge strides (pun intended) with my running capability this spring and early summer.
I had the pleasure of working at Darn Tough Vermont - the wool sock company - from February to June and was an avid participant in the lunch run club. A group of us would run a 5km loop during our lunch break, we called it “sock testing” hehe, about every other day. My body impressed me by absorbing these runs well. On May 14th, the Darn Tough crew took on the Corporate Cup 5km race in Montpelier, VT, where we ran around the state capital. It was cold and raining but we were all smiles! This was only my second 5km running race ever. I placed 5th for women, and our three-person women’s team won the overall combined time!
And then it all came crashing down :(
I will cut straight to it, I herniated 4 discs in my lower spine and it was absolutely horrific. Throughout the first day, I felt like I had really bad period cramps. Goes to show how painful period cramps are if it is equivalent to breaking your back. But then it wasn’t going away, I wasn’t getting better. I couldn’t stand up straight anymore, my entire back and shoulder muscles completely seized up, and I lost control of my abdominal muscles. In my head, I kept trying to talk myself out of admitting I was really hurt. I can’t be hurt again, I finally feel good, I need to catch my break.
I tried everything, heating pad, pain killers, muscle relaxants and topicals. I learned later that because the pain was nerves, not muscle, traditional NSAIDS were never going to work, I couldn’t find any relief. I finally got to the point I could not sit up out of bed. I spent 2 weeks going no more than 5 feet from my bed to the bathroom back to bed. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and this pain brought me to tears every time I tried to move. To add insult to injury, it was pretty much impossible to get medical care due to ridiculous red tape.
At this point, ski training is completely off the table and I did an okay good job of not spiralling about it. I think because I have been injured before, I kind of had a gauge of what to expect from taking time off to heal. 2 weeks turned to 4 which turned to 6 which, ultimately, was 9 weeks off during the peak training blocks of the summer.
To go back to my meat and potatoes analogy, I missed the entire meal!
Besides not being able to ski, I wasn’t able to live. I lost my ability to walk around the grocery store, to sit down at the dinner table, to drive a car, to do anything without being in paralzying pain.
As best I could, I kept this injury a secret. The reason I did this was to protect myself.
A really sad and harsh reality of an individual sport is there are limited start spots, so if someone is sick or injured, it opens a door for the next athlete to take their place. I did not want to tell my competitors that I was hurt and have to see the happy glimmer in their eyes that I would no longer be a in their way. I didn’t want to hear the excitement in a teammate’s voice knowing that I wasn’t seen as competition anymore. I had to protect those friendships, and protect my feelings and confidence.
Remember when I said I took 9 weeks off training? When talking with a US National Team coach, I told him I only took 4 weeks off and he said in a grave voice, “oh sh*t, thats very bad” and in my head I’m saying, “if you think that is bad, imagine if I had told you the truth!” I lied on purpose to protect a potential image he may have had about me that I could still be a good biathlete this year. If he knew I had taken that much time off, I feel he would have written me off right then and there.
As a result of me keeping my injury to myself, I was also really isolated and lonely and unsupported. This is partially my doing, but I also felt like I was not getting treated with the sympathy and compassion I needed during a really hard period of my life. I would like to give the benefit of the doubt that because my injury wasn’t visible the way a cast on a broken arm is, that maybe people didn’t really believe me when I said I am really hurt. This is not to discredit those who did support me, but more to highlight the ugly parts of being injured.
It has been a real journey to return to training. I was not able to make up missed training in time for the races in October that pick the team for the first period of IBU Cup racing. It actually went comically bad! But good things still came out of those races and it was a step in the right direction.
I would really like more time to heal, to get stronger and faster, to eat the meat and potatoes. But, alas, time doesn’t work like that. It keeps on ticking and the winter race season is almost upon us. Ultimately I am scared that this will have bigger consequences to my future and take opportunities away from me due to an injury that was out of my control. Another harsh reality. But at the same time I am still hoping to make some magic happen and taste that sweet dessert :)
Sorry I have so few pictures, I didn’t get out of the house much!
