Pain is Feedback, Not Failure
“Mental health” is a strong buzzword and I know it is important, but it feels so cliche to bring up! And self-centered (as this blog is ironically about myself) and attention-seeking, ahh. I hate to admit that yes, I disappeared from writing and communication because I lost my passion for it, I felt like a fraud, like I am pretending to be this image of something great when I am not. Ouch. How can I convince you I am cool when I don’t even think I’m cool?? I haven’t worked through these feelings, but I did at least finally put words on paper, or technically keys on screen.
This post is eight long months coming, whoops! I don’t want to bore you with too much writing and, frankly, I don’t think I can remember eight months of stuff that happened. So I will give my best summary here.
Edit: I still ended up typing a LOT of words. I praise those who read it all.
January (where we left off): In December, I was fortunate to get a start at the IBU Cup in Arber, Germany. This was my first international start! and I totally blew it, ha! I came in with the goal of a top 60 finish and I ended up shooting 1-2 placing 67th the first day and 3-3 (THREE-THREE of my GOSH) placing 85th the second day. I would love to blame jet lag from only getting there from Alaska (a 10 hour time zone difference) a few days before, or the wind, or my nerves getting the best of me, but I also have to own my failures. Recently, I read the sentence, “pain is feedback not failure” (sorry I don’t know who to credit this quote to.) This was absolutely true for me. I felt this failure and took it as feedback to become even more motivated, even more excited, even more passionate, hungry, devoted. That top 60 is absolutely possible when I hit my targets and my body skis hard. And then a top 30 and then a top 10, let’s be optimistic!
A group of us then traveled to Seefeld, Austria and raced the Austria Cup and held our breath while we hoped we would get the chance to race Open European Champs. I didn’t get picked, but I am really happy with my effort on skis at these races. I shot 0-3 the first day at 0-2 the second day which is absolutely an improvement from the week prior. My race was also motivated by the Americans in attendance! Deedra, Joanne, Robby and Mark surprised me cheering on course as they happened to be there! It was a big deal for me to be in a new place far from home, but I was not far from friends. Also during January, I started my new years goal of reading more and finished my first book of 2025. On paper, I felt like this block of racing was a total failure, but in my heart I know I learned and have grown from this and I am excited for more.
February: Back in the US, I enjoyed the most epic East Coast winter. There was so much natural snow opening so many new cross country trails I had never been on, as well as deep woods touring adventures on the fat alpine skis. I raced in Lake Placid where I cleaned 0-0! and won the race which I think is a first for me? First of many ;) and then I raced my first American Birkebeiner! Also my first 50km race in general, wowza. This race was made possible by so many people from lodging and wax support from Bjorn and Kris at Out There Nordic, ski poles and good vibes from Jenn and Kevin at Nordjork, and the atmosphere from the 10,000 people there cheering and racing! This was also almost a great race. I was in the lead pack with a guaranteed top 10 until I caught an elbow to the face and fell HARD. I lost the group and quite a lot of confidence, but I brushed the snow off my butt and kept going. I limped across the finish line with a bloody nose and bruised ego. I got an email some time later about my finish place automatically qualifying me for the race next year, but I think I need a little more time to forget the bad parts before I put myself through this craziness again! And, I finished book #2.
March: After the Birkie, I went back to Germany for the opportunity to do more biathlon racing at Alpen Cup finals. There was quite the flight issue and I made it there the day before the races, the jet lag was REAL. My brain thinks its 1am, but my body is on the start line! The races went okay. I shot okay and I skied okay and I slept a lot! I ultimately bowed out of racing the team relay and don’t regret taking care of myself.
We then road tripped to Antolz-Antersevla, Italy, home of the upcoming 2026 Olympics! When looking back, I can say this was so epic and beautiful by easily forgeting that I was actually dying. Turns out I am allergic to Italy. Majority of the snow melted so the moldy, dead grass was hitting my immune system like a truck without brakes on a downhill. I pumped my body with allergy meds and made it through but wow that was brutal. Very questionable shooting but I gave a lot on the skis and I can be proud of that, even winning some pasta (that I can’t eat, of course, because I am gluten free!) Besides racing, we also went on some really epic back country touring adventures. I tried skimo skis for the first time. They are great to travel with since they’re so small and skied surprisingly well in the deep snow. Here, I finished book #3 and #4 and shared many laughs and espressos with my teammates.
Oh but the racing isn’t over yet. We had a week of hold-over time in the area where we backcountry skied and day tripped to Obertilliach, Austria to train at that range. It’s like the east coast here, everything is so close together. And finally, we made the drive to Goms/Lucerne, Switzerland for the World Military Games. The US doesn’t have a lot of winter-sport military-athletes so I had the unique opportunity to race the cross country ski races and the biathlon races. I am really happy with my effort during the 10km skate. The course was super icy and that was hard to navigate and, quite frankly, terrifying, but I raced hard. And then it was pretty much all downhill from there. I skied poorly, I shot really bad, I fell twice during one race, I had a scary interaction with a man, and I really hit a mental breaking point. I’ll admit it, I cried and I am not a person who cries. I want to cry even typing this out and reliving it. But this all goes back to our quote, “pain is feedback, not failure.” I have so much to be proud of and that will not be overshadowed by the things I am not proud of.
But, of course, there were really epic things about this week too. I met so many amazing athletes from other countries and had a lot of fun trading military patches and pins. This was the first time I had ever even heard of some of these sports like jumping out of a plane and then alpine skiing is a thing?? And when all the hard work was over, I got to dance like a fool with all my new friends.
April: Overall, I had a really tough shooting season and I was so happy to put my rifle away. I needed a serious break from it, so I picked up a pistol! Since April is our month off from skiing, I spent time with my unit and had a lot of fun doing military stuff like weapons qualification on the pistol. Brag here; I outshot the whole unit and claimed expert rating. I then went home to Alaska and enjoyed some time with my nephew. I capped off my month with a week-long trip to Hawaii, my first time there! Also my first time anywhere tropical in general. The heat kicked my butt, but it was a wonderful experience. This was a work trip with my coworkers at Learn Grant Writing. It was also my last hoorah with them as I was laid off. I really enjoyed my job, which I think few people can say, but after 2 years, the company was ready for a new direction and I was ready for full time biathlon. This was really scary as I was losing a source of income and a safety net if biathlon didn’t work out. However, this was also really exciting! What can I do with 100% of my focus and time being dedicated to biathlon? And I read books #5 and #6.
May: Bend Camp! I did a lot of solo time and soul searching while in Oregon. This was my first month of unemployment and I had to navigate what to do with my time. It was bad how much I scrolled and watched TV, but a good lesson in what not to do. Sometimes you learn by doing. I enjoyed lots of hours on snow and on my bike, both alone and in great company of friends. I put my goals in writing, celebrated my birthday with Masha, and read book #7. Anna and I also did a little photoshoot for Sauce Active one of the days it snowed! The best part of camp was staying an extra few days to assist former teammate and head coach, Tom, with his own Bend Camp. His club is Momentum Northwest, a Seattle based team that is young and promising. I am so glad I did this to learn about how to help and encourage the next generation of skiers, as well as be a female coaching presence. Coaching is probably not for me, but I am grateful for give back to the ski community any way I can.
June/July/Today: I have already written too much so we will speed run the summer. It has been so nice to stay in one place for a while. For the past year and a half, I was flying or driving somewhere, if not multiple somewheres, 14 months in a row… that is insane.
I went Vermont-Alaska-Oregon-Utah-Wyoming-Alaska-Vermont-Wisconsin-Vermont-Utah-Alaska-Vermont-Canada-Vermont-Alaska-Germany-Austria-Vermont-New York-Minnesota-Wisconsin-Alaska-Germany-Italy-Austria-Switzerland-Vermont-Alaska-Hawaii-Oregon-Vermont, and that’s just what I remember, I am sure I am forgetting something!
This uninterrupted summer allowed for consistent training which I suspect directly contributed to injury management. I have had a really great time being able to run and train with minimal injury issues for the first time in, well, ever. I did sadly get very glutened on Monday night which put a hard stop to my training, but the silver lining is I finally slowed down enough to sit down at a computer and type this all out.
And lastly, we have ripped the bandaid off the first races of the 202/2026 season. I raced the Lost Nation Roll 10km skate in Craftsbury the last weekend of July and pleasantly surprised myself with a strong showing! (granted I did not have a rifle on my back,) followed the next weekend by US Biathlon Summer Nationals. I have never done well at this races but I think I finally broke the curse. I had good races but not great races. I shot 1-2 in the sprint and 0-3-0-1 in the mass start. I am not satisfied because I know I can do better!
I hope you have had an amazing summer and we have an even better fall ahead of us. FYI I am much more consistent at posting on instagram -> @z.o.e.m.a.y
